Is it June yet?

I think I can hear the boos crying out from across the Harlem River as the Yankees prepare to be swept out of their homecoming series by the surging Tigers (who haven't swept the Yankees in the Bronx since 1966!). Or maybe those are just groans of indifference at this point. Maybe the fans who chose to stick around past the seventh inning (although, once beer sales have commenced during a 4-run Yankee deficit, this fan says it's time to hop on the D-train) have attempted to inhabit the same zen-like attitude about this club that I have, repeating this mantra hundreds of times a day:

It's early. The bats will get hotter and the arms will get stronger. It's early.

Remember A-Rod's mantra a few years ago? Something about his bat head moving swiftly through the zone, or the importance of choosing the right stylist for doing highlights, or something like that? Well, he repeated it a thousand times every day, and it worked for him. If you don't believe me just check out his numbers every year, then check out how fabulous his hair always looks. You'll quickly see what I mean. Flawless, every time.

However, after what has taken place so far during this young season, I gotta say this mantra thing is really getting tested. It's gotten to the point where I basically can't let myself watch the games anymore, although I usually end up cheating and suffering through part of them anyway. It's like when I was a kid playing around with my friend's dog-shock collar. It hurt like hell, but I just couldn't stop pushing that button. 

I'm afraid that if things don't change soon, the experience of watching uninspired baseball will eventually become too comfortable, just as the experience of sending a significant amount of electric voltage through my nervous system did all those years ago. This is what I'm living with. This is my dilemma.

Is it me, or does every game that Chien-Ming Wang isn't pitching play out in essentially the exact same fashion? We'll call it the 2008 Yankees Formula: A - the starting pitcher with no command painfully labors through the lineup and can't get past the fifth inning, B - the floundering offense puts runners on base nearly every inning only to lose patience at the plate and fail to deliver a clutch hit, thus providing little or no run support for said pitcher, and C - the latest relief pitcher to be called up from Triple-A Scranton Wilkes-Barre comes in to mop up meaningless innings before shuttling back to SWB in exchange for the next fresh arm, leaving Joba and Mo (arguably the game's best late game combination) to sit on the bench and play Sudoku in the bullpen.

Watching a Yankees game these days is like being trapped inside the movie Groundhog Day, except without the charming, deadpan antics of Bill Murray wooing the lovely Andie MacDowell.

I think I have room for at least one more Yankees/pop culture analogy, although this one may be a bit more obscure. Ready? Watching a Robinson Cano at-bat is like watching old footage of "Stuttering" John Melendez interviewing a celebrity on the Howard Stern Show. During both instances the question becomes not if the whole thing will derail, but when and how. Like, will Larry King slap Stuttering John after fielding erectile dysfunction questions? Or merely escape into his limousine without answering? In Cano's case you may ask, will he swing at the first pitch and pop up to the shortstop? Or take two hittable pitches in the strike zone before hacking wildly at a slider in the dirt? 

Seriously, I haven't seen a hitter this uncomfortable at the plate since John Kruk faced Randy Johnson in the 1993 All-Star Game. I know Cano has proven to be a painfully slow starter that gets red hot in the second half, but this is getting almost impossible to watch anymore. Maybe he should start taking the first two months off every year. Randy Velarde is probably still playing somewhere out there, isn't he? Let's get him on the horn. Why not throw him out there for a few at-bats? Sure, he's been connected to Bonds and BALCO. Has that stopped us before?

But with all the injuries and poor play so far this year, just when you think the Yankees can't catch a break, they get a flash of good news: Phil Hughes will take his 0-4 record and 9.00 ERA to the disabled list until at least July. Hey Phil, (right, like he's reading this) just do me a favor. Use this time off as motivation to get back and help this team win, because the DL isn't a place you want to become too comfortable with. No matter what Carl Pavano tries to tell you, it's about as cool as Matthew McConaughey cruising for high school chicks in Dazed and Confused. Remember his hair?